Will we still be friends when I’m the boss?
2.5 Minute Read
Imagine you are walking to lunch with your most trusted teammate. Along the way they say, “I’m throwing a graduation party after I get my masters degree in June, and I’m inviting the whole team.“ It sounds cool, but you don’t respond with much enthusiasm. There is something on your mind.
Last week your director asked you to consider becoming the manager for your team, and you are worried about how that change will affect your relationships. Over and over you keep wondering: Will we stop being friends? Will they stop liking me if I’m their boss?
That’s a scary thought. It’s one of the fears that engineering leaders face when they are offered their first management position. I get it. Relationships are important. Nearly everyone I’ve ever met says that one of the things they love about the place they work is the people they get to work with. The fear of losing that is totally rational. But guess what? The outcome is in your hands.
The friendships you have at work are based on mutual and genuine care for each other. You want each other to be successful and happy. That sense of caring doesn’t instantly go away when you become “the boss.” But you can kill it if you don’t continue to cultivate it.
As their manager you can still deeply care about their success. You will need to be more direct about the skills they can improve and the behaviors they need to demonstrate. No doubt, it’s tough to be direct and critical of a friend. However, if you truly still care about them, and you make it clear that you are their advocate, they will know it.
Similarly, you can expect that they still care deeply about you. Sometimes people are surprised at how enthusiastic their team is when they agree to become the manager. We all know who we would most want to get those jobs. It’s the people who are thoughtful, empathetic, good listeners, smart, and inspiring. If that’s you, congratulations! The first thing you can do with your team is let them know that you are going to be learning how to be a great manager, and you need their feedback. Engage their care for you by giving them an important role in your success.
Cultivate those caring relationships and they won’t go away. That’s not to say that your relationships won’t change. You can’t force people to take your criticism well, no matter how much it comes from your heart. You can’t force them to like your decisions. But you can feel good about doing your job well for them, and about giving them the feedback they need, even if they don’t take it well. You can always care for them, even when they are having trouble caring for you. That’s what great leaders do.
You might still be invited to that graduation party. Perhaps you played a part in their decision to finish that degree, or you helped them arrange their workday so they could get their studying done. And yes, you might not be invited to some other team activities. That’s okay. Your relationships will evolve, but you can and will still be friends. And someday, when you see those people advance in their career, and one of them becomes a manager, you will be there to shake their hand and let them know that you were always behind them, cheering for their success, genuinely.
If you would like to read more about how to maintain great relationships at work, check out one of my favorite life-changing books “Leadership and Self-deception” by the Arbinger Institute.
